Walking Dead….yes one of my favorite TV shows these days….also one of the best ways to describe how I feel these days…
You think walking dead…going through the motions, no feeling, no being, loss of self.
Thats ME. I feel like I never win. I feel like I cant do anything right. I feel dead inside. I dont really care…I wake up in the morning, have shit to get done, and do my best to actually get it done. I dont look forward to anything, its usually just the opposite. Did I shower yesterday? Do I need to shower today? Showering and doing hair and makeup is something I used to enjoy. Now its a chore. Especially when your trying to get 3 kids out the door in the morning. Some days its a struggle, some days go pretty well and I think, “Jessica’s back”. Some days I wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Sometimes, I am able to get out the door, do my stuff, get home, rest a bit. This is a good day for me. Not a GREAT day. But a good day.
Since last writing, a lot has changed. My anxiety has become so bad that I now have a tremor in my right arm. Oh, yes, it’s lovely. When I get upset, my arm shakes so bad. right now I have to concentrate to keep it from shaking away. A million things run through my head, and its time to go to sleep.
I also have a a lot of guilt…Guilt that breaks my heart. I have never bonded with my first baby like I am doing with my second. At least, I dont remember feeling this way about her. All I remember about my first baby is the sleepless nights, the frustration, the struggle of day to day life. I wish I had a better experience to report, but now its something I need to live with. Im not even sure if this all makes sense.
I am afraid I will have to live life this way now. THIS IS what life will be. A slew of good days with bad days scattered in and a bunch of worrying when a bad day will actually happen! That’s no way to live life; preparing yourself for the bad days. I have been explained that when a person experiences a major depressive episode, it lingers, its kind of always there. But I dont want it to be. I want to start over. Try this pregnancy/baby thing all over again. Maybe the second time around I will be better and more equipped to handle it? Then I think its my type that is affected, so no matter what life, I AM just affected. Keep fighting mommies.