A whole new me- “Mommy”

“Behind on life, can’t get anything done. Everything is expected of her and she’s drowning. She lost herself taking care of others.” These powerful words I read in article of another amazing mommy willing to share her story and she hit home head on.

I’ve felt this. I used to feel this everyday. Now I try so hard to make sure it doesn’t creep back in. I always used to say “I struggled to get through the day”. I was barley surviving. My anxiety had me in fits of rage and frustration. It had me in a panic of what would happen next, tomorrow, in 10 years and so on. My depression had me exhausted, worthless, and foggy.

I couldn’t get my kids to school without “loosing my sh*t” as I called it. Heck, I couldn’t leave the house! The idea of packing up the kids, having all their stuff, in the car, out of the car, and back in the car had me insane! I was loosing things; and I normally was very organized. I couldn’t grocery shop. Trying to plan for a week of meals, making sure I got it all so. I wouldn’t have to make another trip back, the money, all of it. I wasn’t able take care of myself. I put myself last for everything. My kids were bathed and fed. I showered every 2-3 days and ate cereal.

Becoming a mommy has so many expectations! Think about it! When I was making my baby shower list, motherhood looked so great! All the pictures had the mommy and baby smiling. Her house was spotless, she was fully dress with hair and makeup. It looked wonderful. Add to it all the talk about having a baby and how wonderful it is…way too much pressure, way too many expectations that are not real. Giving birth was a great experience and breastfeeding came so naturally….it was all LIES (well maybe for some people). We are expected to be fully Pinterest ready; prepare healthy organic meals, have clean homes, play dates and on and on. Mommy can loose herself in all this. I did. Not being able to keep up with it all lead to feelings of worthlessness and guilt. Add that to anxiety and I was a mess.

I was a 25 year old girl, fresh out of nursing school, recently married. I was always doing my hair, makeup, shopping, dressed nice, went out with friends, worked, etc. Within months of my first baby, I had became a shell of my former self. To be honest, I don’t even know who I am today.. I’m a fully changed person. Mom took over my life. I had to fight to get parts of it back.; but there have been some positive changes… I’ve learned to let things go…cleaning, laundry, its not important like spending time with the girls the girls is. I’ve come to accept a few things…its ok to be late, its ok to not be perfect, its ok to make a mistake and not totally kick yourself for it. I live in the moment and try not to worry too much about things that are out of my control or haven’t happened yet. I take time for myself each day. Even if that means going to hide in my car for 30 min. Because now I’m mom, and technically its a whole new me and I’m still learning every day 🙂

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