Apology

When it is all said and done, and the dust settles, Im left with regret. In the whirlwind, in the moment, Ive lost so much. Ive lost memories, Ive ruined close moments, Ive been too busy to be able to bother. Ive had way to much on my mind to keep up with what matters most. This part hurts more than any other part I have survived through. I survived the crushing mornings, the anxiety filled moments, the sadness, the physical symptoms, the lack of sleep, always being last. But now, when I am finally able to think back, I realize I have so very few moments of happiness from my baby’s first year.

See, when your lost in the dark, you never think about what will happen when the light shines again. Your just so focused on getting the light to shine again, you forget. Then, you have to live with whats left.

Unfortunatley, this has become a real issue to my healing the past few weeks. My first baby was born May 4, 2012. Today is May 26, 2017. 5 years. 5 years ago, life had changed. 5 years ago, I had just survived the most traumatizing experience of my life. Then, I was sent home and expected to thrive. I was expected to take care of myself, a newborn, breastfeed, be a wife, plan to go back to work, it goes on and on. Well, I was unable to do almost any of those things, except lay on the couch while the baby was in her swing and pray she didnt cry. That was about it. I never enjoyed having a baby! I missed out on so many moments that I wish I could now go back and change.

Spring is the time of year it especially bothers me. The new warmth, the green on the trees, but mostly because it becomes light outside so early. I can remember being up most of the night, and watching the sunrise while I took care of the baby. The moments sit in my head. They wont go away. So, in my mind, I apologize to that baby. Im sorry that I wasn’t the mom I would have wanted my baby to have. Not the quiet mom who sits with her baby in the rocking chair. Who runs to the baby’s room at the first cries. Who smiles and talks to her baby all the time.

Fortunatley, my daughter wont remember those times. But I always will. they haunt me. They always come back; and it leaves me with a pit in the bottom of my stomach. It’s why I’m so attached to certain things related to my babies. Their crib, changing table, swing, rocking chair; I cannot seem to let go of any of it. It sits in my basement, and sometimes I see them in passing, but they are to good feelings. So why do I keep them?

When my second baby was born in Feb 2016; I remember thinking that she was my second chance. She was my opportunity to do this again- right. Because I was aware of this, I was able to constantly remind myself as she was growing, she was my second chance. Don’t mess this up. You got this.

Just when I think im better, bang- something else turns up. I was having much better days, and the past few weeks Ive been battling this. But this will pass too. I will go back to having good days again. I need to. I wont go back to the way I was. I am a forever changed me. And I need to learn how that new me works. It has taken a lot of practice to become this version of me. And it continues to be a daily thing I am aware of. Sure, I look like I have it all together, but I constantly feel like a hot mess. Ive just learned to be okay with it.

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